If you have been sexually assaulted or abused, you may be asking why this has happened to you. You are certainly not alone in your questioning. Survivors of sexual assault often ask themselves unanswerable questions . . .
Why did this happen to me?
What did I do to deserve this?
Could this have been my fault?
Remember that what happened was not your fault. Why did someone assault you? No one can answer that question. You can remember, though, that you are not alone.
Sexual violence is always a deeply painful violation. Survivors often have severe stress reactions similar to those of people who have survived other life-threatening events such as war or natural disaster. Sexual assault or abuse is violent crime that can happen to anyone. Males and females, adults, teenagers, young children, elderly persons, heterosexuals, homosexuals, persons of every race - any person can be a victim of sexual violence. According to some nationwide statistics, one out of three women and one out of six men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes.
Perpetrators of sexual assault do not discriminate in choosing their victims. This kind of assault and abuse is not a sex crime; it is a crime of violence, power, and control.
In the hours and days immediately following the assault, you may feel emotionally out of control. It's hard to believe the assault really happened and often difficult to understand why. You may feel very intense, disturbing emotions. Crying, shaking, fainting, expressions of anger are all appropriate responses. However, you may feel no emotion at all, a reaction called shock. Shock may leave you feeling completely numb. You may seem calm and composed, even cold and detached. Sometimes your emotions are so conflicted that you find yourself crying in one moment and actually laughing in the next. Your laughter does not mean you are not hurting. Laughter may be a result of the body's reaction to the trauma. These are normal reactions.
During this time of acute crisis, a common emotion is fear, fear that the attacker could return, fear of being alone, fear of places like the one where the assault occurred or of people who remind you of the assailant. You may also feel angry, depressed or confused. You may feel guilty or ashamed. Even though these emotional reactions are common among persons who have been sexually violated, they may be very troubling to you. You may experience physical reactions including soreness, pain, nausea, eating and sleep disturbances. You may feel afraid of being touched. Some survivors do not want to be touched after an assault; others need increased physical affection.
The words of Healing and Hope were written for you . . . with confidence that in the days and weeks to come, you will find within yourself the strength to begin your own passage to healing and renewed hope, and toward a new beginning. We realize that beginning again may seem impossible to you right now, and that this passage may be a difficult point on your journey. You may encounter some obstacles along the way, but we want to encourage you to not make the journey alone. We would consider it a privilege to hear from you, and to do what we can to walk with you through these difficult days via our on-line support service.
We have written Healing and Hope to talk to you about some of the things you may experience after being sexually assaulted or abused. You will have many emotions about what has happened to you. Some of the staff of The Center for Healing and Hope have traveled a journey similar to the journey you are now beginning. Even so, they cannot begin to know the pain you are feeling. Your pain is your own. Grief, anger, fear, loss . . . whatever emotions you feel are very personal. No person ever knows exactly how another person is feeling. Some of us, however, do know what they felt in a similar circumstance. We would never tell you how to feel or how to move on with your life. We simply offer ourselves to you as "witnesses" that healing is possible, that hope can be a reality, and that we did not remain victims. We are survivors who have found that, after the trauma of sexual assault, there really is more than anger or sadness or terror. There's healing and hope.
We hope that the information you read here will encourage your recovery and healing. Healing will occur for you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Please remember that light does come after times of darkness and that a new beginning is possible.
During difficult times of life, suffering and pain can seem endless. Healing takes time and courage. We honor your courage to begin a journey toward your healing. We hope that what you read in these pages will be empowering to you and to your friends and family members, to all the people who are important to you. Your life has been rearranged by this violent act, but it has not been destroyed.
You can begin again. There is healing for you . . . and hope.
You may have asked all of these questions, or none of these questions. You may experience feelings you have never felt before. Don't be afraid of your feelings. You have survived a violation of your whole being. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Do not ignore your feelings or stuff them down into a hidden corner of your self. The only way to get past this pain is to go directly through it.
So feel your emotions and, in time, you will be able to let them go. Remember that this process does take time, so try to be patient with yourself. If you are overwhelmed, find a friend who can help - your friends or family members, a professional counselor.
You can get beyond your pain and make this assault a part of your past. You can move on from where you are right now. You will not forget what happened to you, but you can get past your pain.
Your passage of getting beyond this pain is much like going up a spiral staircase. The farther you climb up the stairs, the farther away you get from the pain you left at the bottom. But at any time, if you look over the staircase railing to see what you left behind, you will be able to see the source of the pain. You will remember it, and even feel the pain again. But the feeling will not hurt as much as it did at the bottom. Each step you are able to climb moves you farther away from the intensity of the pain. Climbing stairs can be exhausting. So can the healing work you will do in the days to come.
You do not have to tell anyone about what has hapened to you, but your silence may give this trauma power over your life for years, even for the rest of your life. Telling, or not telling, is a choice that you have the right to make for yourself. This assault is your story. It is your personal experience, and you can share it with whomever you choose. You will probably find that talking about what happened with a compassionate listener will begin a healing process for you and give you support and encouragement. However, it is normal for you to feel some reluctance to share your feelings with those closest to you. Because you want to minimize their pain, you may try to spare them from hearing what happened.
The people who care about you are experiencing their own pain because of what has happened. They are often called secondary survivors because what has happened to you affects them deeply. They may wish they could have protected you or kept you safe. They may experience guilt. The intensity of their feelings may make them unsure of what to say or how to react to you. They may withdraw from you and not say anything at all. Even though you care about their feelings, you must focus on your own healing. This is their problem to work through, not yours. They may benefit from counseling or a support group designed especially for family and friends who want to support their loved one who has been victimized.
If someone you care about is having a difficult time, please let them know that we are here to help them, too. Feel free to contact us for online support or for a referral to counseling or group support.
You may want to talk about the assault; you may also not want to talk about what happened to you. Some sexual assault survivors wait until much later to talk about what happened to them. Others never feel comfortable talking about it. It is very important for you to find a way to talk about what happened with someone you trust. Trying to hide your emotions will be harmful to you, and your emotions may emerge days, weeks, even years later. Buried emotions will not stay buried inside you without causing problems for you in the future.
Of course you would like to pretend that this never happened to you. If you could simply deny that you have been sexually violated, you could go on with life as usual. Many survivors deny any effects from a sexual assault and try to assure everyone around them that things are fine. You may think that everyone in your life is tired of hearing about the assault, or you may want to shut out the pain and get back to "normal."
Your healing journey is a series of passages that will take you through various stages from the initial violent act to the place where you sense some resolution and a peace about what happened to you. An early passage takes you through a time of denial, a time when you want to pretend the assault never happened. You may want so much to put this behind you that you try to change something about your life. . . your job, your residence, your relationships, your entire lifestyle. Your passage through denial may be brief or it may last for many years.
Remember that survivors who continue to deny what happened sometimes turn to harmful things like drugs, alcohol, overeating or over-working to numb their feelings, trying to go on with life as it was before the assault.
If you were treated at a hospital following your assault, you were given a lot of information that seems confusing now. Feel free to contact us with any questions you have.
You may be very concerned about exposure to sexually transmitted diseases. The hospital probably took blood samples from you to test for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and gave you antibiotics to help protect you against infection. Antibiotics will also help prevent sexually transmitted diseases. However, in six weeks, you should have another blood test (called a VDRL). Even though the hospital tested for STDs at the time of your assault, syphilis may not test positive for several weeks. This disease is easily cured if detected early. Your doctor, your local health department, or Planned Parenthood can run this test.
Every three months, for two years after the assault, you must be tested for HIV/AIDS. Planned Parenthood's Health Centers can perform this test at no charge. Your local health department may also be able to perform and HIV/AIDS test for you.
If you are female, you may have been given medication to help prevent pregnancy. This medication may cause cramping and menstrual irregularity, but you must take every pill as directed. This medication may also cause mild nausea. It is important to take all of the medication. Call the hospital, your personal physician, or a health clinic if you are experiencing persistent physical problems. Another concern is that your menstrual cycle may be irregular for a few months. Your entire body may seem "out of balance." You may feel sore, feverish or sluggish. Give yourself plenty of sleep and rest. Try to eat nutritious foods and drink plenty of water. Learn to relax and take frequent breaks from your routine. Warm baths may help alleviate some of the soreness and calm you down.
Male survivors of sexual assault may experience soreness as well and find that they feel lethargic and fatigued. Physical check-ups are very important. Try to learn to relax and get some physical exercise doing something you enjoy. Seek out a trusted friend or family member to spend time with. Try to do things, at work and in your leisure time, that help restore balance to your life. Try to strengthen your close relationships so that you will feel more connected to the kind of support you need.
Don't be afraid to let yourself consider the emotional aspects of what has happened to you. Paying attention to your emotions may be very difficult. But you are probably feeling very intense emotions, emotions that can be harmful to your well-being. Depression, anger, guilt, shame, humiliation, fear, rage . . . these are only some of the emotions you might experience. Support groups for male survivors of sexual assault may be of help, as well as online support. Individual counseling is another option you may want to consider. Contact us if you have any questions or concerns.
Above all, be good to yourself. You have been violated and abused, and you will need time to heal. Pay close attention to your emotional health, reach out for support if you need to, and be sure to schedule a physical exam within six to eight months.
After your assault, you or a family member or friend may have contacted the police. Perhaps the hospital called the police after you arrived there for treatment. The police are responsible for investigating a reported incident and gathering evidence to present to the prosecuting attorney. An officer will need to ask you the details of what happened. Reporting your sexual assault to the police does not mean that you have to prosecute. You can make the decision to prosecute later; that decision does not have to be made immediately after the assault. If you report the assault promptly to the police, your medical examination may be paid for by your state's reparations fund for crime victims. Contact us for asssistance in finding your state's reparations board.
Your need for safety and peace of mind is an important part of healing. The VINE Program (Victim Information and Notification Everyday) can help address this need. The program is a free, automated hotline which provides crime victims with vital information regarding the custody status of criminal offenders. Through the VINE Program, you will be able to obtain inmate information and to register for notification of the status of the offender, including arrest, release and court dates. VINE information and notification services are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. For more information on the Arkansas VINE Program call a-501-682-2222. To register for notification services, call 1-800-510-0415. Follow this link for more information about theVINE Program in Arkansas.
The VINE Program is available in every state. If you have any problems finding your state's Vine Program, contact us for assistance.
The prosecuting attorney determines if there is enough admissible evidence to issue a formal complaint. If the case is prosecuted, you do not have to hire an attorney. The prosecuting attorney's office will provide someone to represent you in court.
You may be concerned about how the case will proceed from this point. After a warrant is issued, the suspect is arrested and brought before a judge to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty. In Arkansas, suspects in criminal cases are first arraigned in municipal court. If the suspect pleads guilty, he or she is charged. Then a sentencing date is set. If the suspect pleads not guilty, a probable cause hearing is scheduled. If the judge determines that there is probable cause, the case goes to circuit court for trial. Since this is a new court, another plea and arraignment hearing occurs. Additional hearings may be set before a case goes to trial. Before trial, your case will be assigned to a deputy prosecuting attorney and to a victim assistance representative. The Victim Assistance Division of the prosecuting attorney's office will be your liaison to the court. They will help prepare you for the trial and answer your questions about the legal process. Our staff is also available to assist you in working with the police and with the criminal justice system.
During the trial, both sides will present evidence and call witnesses to testify. If it is a jury trial, the jury will decide if the defendant is innocent or guilty. If it is a non-jury trial, the judge will decide the case. Remember that judges and juries determine innocence or guilt based upon the physical evidence presented and testimony given at the trial. If you should lose your case, it does not mean that no one believes your story. Losing your case may simply mean that there was not enough admissible evidence to convict "beyond a reasonable doubt."
Your safety and emotional well-being should be your primary concern during the legal process. Please contact us or other professionals to assist in anwering your questions and concerns. This may help you feel comfortable in letting the legal process accomplish its purpose while you focus your attention on your own healing process.
Prosecution Information
Some survivors identify a passage they call suffering. It is a time when the reality of the assault sinks in and makes its home in the very deepest part of you. You may feel depressed or aimless, with a deep sadness. You may feel grief or loss. You have now reached the passage where you will mourn a loss of your life as it used to be even a loss of your self because you feel you will never be the same person you were before the assault. You may be feeling disappointed in yourself because you feel you should be over the pain of what has happened. On some days, your pain is almost unbearable and the memory of the assault very fresh.
Don't expect too much of yourself. This passage called suffering is a difficult time, perhaps the most difficult time you have experienced in all of this. Often, it takes time for the stark reality of what has happened to you to really sink in. But when it does, your emotions seem very raw and you feel as if you are right on the edge of despair.
Remember that all of your emotions represent passages on your journey. You do not have to stay in this place called suffering. This is a passage you can get through. Remember also that any life event changes us. No, you will not be the same person you were before the violence; you will grow and change. You can choose to move toward healing and hope, and in the end, find that you are stronger, more empowered, and more courageous than you have ever been.
In this passage called suffering, you may feel as though your sense of security and control over your life has been destroyed. You may experience fear, nightmares, changes in sleeping and eating, sexual problems, physical aches and pains, difficulty concentrating, or dozens of other changes in your well-being.
Some of your thoughts, feelings or actions may frighten you. Sometimes survivors are suffering so deeply that they have thoughts of trying to harm themselves or committing suicide. Often survivors are very angry. Your anger may be very intense and you may direct your rage against yourself or someone else. It is not unusual for survivors to misdirect anger towards loved ones or towards themselves. Be aware that you are not alone in having some of these intense reactions, and know that you can contact us support at any time.
You may have disturbing memories of the assault. You may also experience "flashbacks" and actually believe that the assault is happening all over again. Your moods may swing from one end of your emotional spectrum to the other. This passage can be very painful; please don't travel it alone. Call a friend, family member or counselor when the passage called suffering becomes more than you can handle. If you have no one to offer you this kind of support, contact us and we will do everything that we can to find someone in your area who can be supportive. Someone who is caring and compassionate will be available to travel this part of the journey with you . . . through the darkness, and eventually into the light of hope.
When you begin to feel even a tiny twinge of hope, you may well be moving into a passage called resolution. This is a very good place to be. This is a place where you will begin the process of resolving your feelings about the sexual sexual violence, the person who assaulted or abused you, and yourself. In this passage, you will move from being a victim to being a survivor. You will integrate the sexual violence as an accepted, though very painful, event that is now a part of your life story. This passage is a long-term process that may last throughout your life. But it is a place where inner peacer grows and resolution replaces pain.
Remember that every person who has been a victim of sexual violence travels through all of these passages, not necessarily in a smooth and timely way and not necessarily in any order. You may find yourself in two passages at the same time. You may return to a previous passage for a time, even more than once. Or you may feel that you are temporarily stuck in one place.
Perhaps this feeling of being "stuck" is a time for drawing yourself inward and spending some time alone with your thoughts. This can be an important time for you, a time for you to think about beginning again, a time when your suffering is being replaced by a sense of peace. During this time, your fears are being displaced with the courage to move on with your life. Try not to be afraid of the darker places along your journey. Even the dark places play a role in your healing.
Facing the darkness, going right through the center of it, will lead you to a place of light . . . a place where healing and hope can be reborn in you. It may seem impossible to you right now. ou may feel as if you have a very long and treacherous journey ahead of you. Believe in yourself. Honor your persistence and your courage to heal. And know that brighter days are ahead.
We hope that you will contact us if we can help you get through any part of your journey with support, compassion, counseling, information, or just a listening ear. The journey to healing and hope is not an easy journey, but remember that you can find supportive friends to walk with you.
Many victims of sexual assault find that support groups provide the kind of emotional support they need in a relaxed and non-threatening environment. We offer various support groups facilitated by experienced counselors who have expertise in sexual victimization and the process of healing. You will likely find, in one of our support groups, a caring friend, a place to vent your feelings, or even a place to be silent and think.
Groups are formed when requests indicate a need. If the kind of group you need is not listed, please contact us about forming a new group. Some of the groups we offer are:
Taking Back Your Life: Dealing with Grief After Violence
Healing and Hope for Adult Survivors of Sexual Assault
Healing and Hope for Adult Survivors of Childhood Incest
Healing and Hope for Adolescent Survivors of Sexual Assault
Healing and Hope for Adolescent Survivors of Childhood Incest
Help for Non-Offending Parents/Caretakers of Abused Children
Beginning Again: Helping a Loved One Heal
Violence and the Family System
If you do not live in our area, we will be glad to help you locate a support group or a counselor near you.
